I drugged myself to sleep again….

Well no biggie, just a .25mg Xanie….But I just couldn’t deal with the hurt and pain anymore.

After breaking up with my boy toy, I thought I would feel free. But I don’t I am sad. I  miss him and I miss the good times.

However, I am angry at myself. For whenever I talk to him he is still very mean and disrespectful towards me. Yet I still miss him?!!! What is wrong with me?

I am just mad at my self that I engaged in his petty games our last month. Everything was soo perfect with us, but as we got closer and deeper he pulled away. Which in turn made me act “pschyco”.

I hate not taking the high road. It kills me inside. I am mostly mad at the way I acted.

I wish things were different. I’d like him to be nice and loyal to me again. I miss seeing his face and going out with him at night.

But why am I attracted to these mean men? Men that try to break me down, constantly? The problem is I always see the good in people. Always!! This freaks guys out. Some men are programmed to think they are scumbags. And when a l’il old Barbie doll like me comes around and only sees the good and potential in them they think it is too good to be true. So they test it. They try to see how far they can go…how much I will take. It’s like they want me to know, “Hey I am not soo great, and let me show you what a mean SOB I can be!”

Well, my white flag is up. I cannot go on being the pawn anymore. I have tasted all of your sin and now it is my turn to WIN!~

Because this is who I am. I see the good in people and I forgive easily. So if someone wants to be mean to me, that’s  on them. I refuse to be bitter!!!

So I challenge you, hurt me, beat me down, kill me with your words. I can take it. This horse will not be broken! I am taking the high road and Karma will deal with you later.

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Detachment and the Religion of Love

“It is so unfair to make yourself constantly not care, Act cool, Act coy, punish and deploy, tactics from a book so you will get a second look…”

Detachment. The art of not caring. The core of aloofness.

Why must we detach?

At first I thought detachment meant to act uncaring and cold, but now I realize its value in life and in relationships.

Love is Life and Life is Love. But true Love, unassuaged and pure is love without attachment.

For one must Love and enjoy the qualities we admire and want to attract from another. And to receive love, we must pay it forward and give love.

But one must understand what not giving love looks like. When you criticize, nag, blame complain or try to change another person, you are not giving love.

You don’t have to love everything about a person, just focus on the qualities you admire to attract more and detach yourself from the qualities you like less.

When you detach yourself from something you are removing your feelings. If you don’t feel one way or the other, it does not matter. Listen, everyone has flaws. Or shall I say, you may not like everything about another person. But why focus on the negative? If we focus on the negtive we attract more negative into our lives.

It is easy to be nice, it is easy to give love. What is hard is to make yourself stop caring. Although, I would love to master apathy, but it doesn’t feel good.

I prefer not to shut myself off like a faucet. I want to think, I want to feel, I want to love and I want to be loved. So not only am I going to fall in love with myself, I am going to love and cherish each and everyone that comes into my life…whether they like it or not.

So dear suitors that run away from pure love, I pity you. For Love is the life force of the Universe and Love is my Religion!!!

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Things men do to manipulate women

Men are just as insecure as women, sometimes even more. Some men are master manipulaters and have the ability to transfer their own insecurities onto their woman. the following is a list of things men do to manipulate or purposely annoy women:

1. They point out your flaws.

A real man makes his woman feel like she is “the only girl in the world.” He showers her with compliments. He wants her to feel special. A woman can never get enough compliments, ya know.

A real Scumbag will make it a point to let you know what he perceives to be flaws. Sometimes he will be obvious, but more often it will be subtle. For example, my latest beau knew I was working towards perfecting my booty at the gym. I told him I wanted a “bigger butt”. Yet he proceeded to say, “No baby, you need to make it smaller and tighter.” WRONG ANSWER, jerk off!!! The right answer is, “Aw, sweetie your body is beautiful as it is, you have such a sexy behind, but if you feel like you want to workout more because it will make you healthier, I support that.”

See the difference…..

2. Men will check out and make comments about other women

They want to see your response. If you look upset or make a nasty comment they will think you are in love with them and use this trick to make you jealous or piss you off.  Next time your beau pulls a stunt like that, master the art of a poker face. No response= Game over.

3. They will act hot and cold

Author Sherry Argov notes that when a man is acting hot he is manipulating you, when he is cold, that is the real him. Most women match coolness by giving more love, more warmth. As I said before, master the poker face. I know women are nurturers but you are not your boyfriend’s mother, if he’s acting like a cold jerk, a nice hard, swift kick in the ass will suffice.

4. They will stop courting you, they will pull back

I see this happen all the time. I can predict when it’s going to happen too. Men are so predictable. It happens when things are going perfect, when you finally let your guard down, when your man opens up to you, you can feel his intensity and passion and BAM (thank you, Emeril) he pulls the emotional plug. What a MEAN picece of ughhh….!!!

Word to the wise: Don’t let your guard down. Learn the art of detachment.

If he stops calling, DO NOT CALL. Let a man chase you again. Men are hunters. Do not let your man become lazy.

A good woman deserves the ongoing courtship. She deserves pleasure, presents, attention, adoration and admiration! And a smart woman knows the way to entice her man to chase  her again  is to run away (emotionally, that is)!

Detachment is  not a simple task. It can be very difficult to detach, especially if you are in love or in lust with your man. True detachment cannot be faked. It’s in the core of you. You are withdrawing your emotions…kinda like your man just did…Awe, there we go…Monkey See, Monkey Do!

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The recipe for success


According to Buddhism, life is suffering. We are all suffering. And the reason we are all suffering is because we are constantly looking for outside things to make us happy. We abuse drugs, we shop too much, we overindulge in food, we seek approval from our parents, lovers, friends, coworkers, we even equate happiness with another human being “loving” or accepting us.

Here’s the secret….Everything you need to be happy is within you. Autonomy, self esteem, healthy naricissim….that’s the magic wand.

Now this may seem like an easy feat, “Hey, I will just love myself and then I will be happy.” It is really rather difficult. See we live in a world of hustlers and porn, you just can’t get sucked in, you can’t feel their scorn. Society and the media bombards us with the tools for self loathing.

But the real devil is inside ourselves. We are our own worst enemies. But one can remove the chains from around their neck and free themselves from the lust of result.

This girl is tired of being frustrated. I am tired of being dissapointed. And most of all I am really just sick and tired of hearing anyone else’s opinion about who I am or who they think I am. This is me, I am who I am. I am NYC Barbie, here in all of my splendor. I am PERFECT right here, right now.

And now I am on mission. I am going to fall madly in love with myself…over and over and over again. And after that, I am going to fall in love with myself again!

Now I am sure I am going to get alot of flack for this post…I mean a girl should really be modest and humble, with insecurities and she should be aware of her flaws….Sorry Charlie, I decided that I like my flaws. My flaws make me perfect!!! Yay for me!

So this is my journey, my path to happiness….Wish me Luck!

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Has this ever happend to you?

Ya know what is sad? When someone frustrates you to the point where you have to drug yourself to go to sleep. That’s right, folks! You would think that the person you are seeing would want you to be happy, would listen to you, would compliment you, would follow one simple request…But no, the same crapola over and over again! And as an intelligent woman, I have this need to understand why someone could be so perverse and inconsiderate. So I analyze and get into my head to the point where I just have to put myself to bed! Thank GOD for Xanax!!

But awake and sober, I now see, really I am the perverse one. I allowed someone else to affect my moods and my thoughts. Never again will I give up that power.

The power is in your brain, you can make yourself happy or make yourself insane!

I choose happiness, I choose dignity, I choose ME!

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The Taming of the Shrew

According to Freud, men are fascinated by a narrccissistic woman. It brings them back to their childhood. You see, as children, we are only concerned with making ourselves happy. As we grow up we are bombarded with society’s rules and standards. No longer are we fully autonomous. We are taught fear, guilt and shame. A narccisistic woman is devoid of these feelings, or so it appears to seem. She is self sufficient, self loving and does not need another’s approval. This is highly seductive.

Men love a “bitch”. I am not talking about a mean, raging , pms driven lunatic. I am refering to a woman who is kind, but self sufficient and not a pushover. A real man desires a self sufficient woman. In fact, behind every good man is a good woman. Look at highly successful men, they don’t have loser wives. Usually their wives are educated, dignified, intelligent and attractive.

What a dream! A perfect Barbie doll woman…It would be so sweet to possess her. It would be so lovely to have her attention and even her affection. But that is NOT the case. Men see this woman that they desire so much and they want to CRUSH her perfect little world. They love the challenge. They want to be the one to make her feel and make her need a man. Men have the desire to tame the Shrew! And they will try and try and try to break her down and frustrate her until she is depleted. And game over….right?

Of course not…because as soon as she picks herself back up and puts the pieces back together the cycle starts right over. Whether it”s the same guy or a new one, the challenge is the same , and the game continues…..

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Why Tame the Shrew?

Why Tame the Shrew?

A Broken Horse cannot Please you

A Challenge, a Game

Why want a girl that you can Tame?

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